Short Stories

This one was inspired by something I heard homeboy, chris, say.

Edgar was only 19, but well on his way to becoming one of those guys who gets a girlfriend, has sex with her all the time, gets married to her, has even more sex with her, this time resulting in about 9 kids, and eventually does nothing all day but sit around watching nascar while drinking beer. He liked making up rhymes like, "when i flow people listen, open my mouth diamonds glisten, people want to give me a check, i collect hoes like upper deck." He really liked drinking mug root beer and big red. There really was no explanation for it, but both of those drinks seemed to put him in a euphoric spell that could only be broken by the sweet smell of a turkey in the oven. So, anyway, edgar didn't really do much. He wanted to be an announcer for ESPN sportscenter, but he was an idiot. Seriously, it's a miracle he even graduated high school. Every day he'd write letters to ESPN, asking how he could get a job there. He wrote them so many times that they eventually gave him a free subscription to ESPN the magagine. As if that weren't enoguh, he also got a free mug and a sweater that said "ESPN the magazine." He was so excited that he ran across the street to show off his new gear to the neighbor. The neighbor, bill, a member of the NRA, was so blinded in a jealous rage that he grabbed a nearby smith & wesson and shot poor edgar 6 times in the chest. This presented bill with a small problem; the sweater he just inherited was now soaked with edgar's blood and the mug shattered on the tile when edgar dropped it. Seriously, who want's to wear a bloody sweater? Bill didn't want a bloody sweater so he took it to the nearest goodwill drop-off center. All of this murder and charity work were taking their toll on poor bill. He had to go over to mcdonalds for some food. He ordered a big mac meal with the super value plus that makes it big. He enjoyed it so much that he just had to work at mcdonalds. He applied and was hired right then and there and started working just a few hours later. Somehow he fell into the deep fryer and was served as french fries. I bet those fries tasted funny.

this guy definitely had an image problem. he thought he was really fat. but in reality his body build was this: five foot 9 inches and he weighed in at a paperly 100 pounds. his name was eliyahu. what you need to know about eliyahu is that he is a true african with a white heart. he needed a heart early in his life because the one he had was failing. the only availble heart was that of a white man. so eliyahu accepted the heart with open arms and a open mouth. trained to throw a spear, but restrained to a pencil in his hand. he had to lose weight for an upcoming fashion show. models like to be deathly thin. he began the auschwitz diet. in his mind, running was the key to loosing weight fast. this was secondary to not eating, or eating dirt soup. the day that took the life of eliyahu was already written in stone. it was a downpour, all day. so take it to the gym, take it to the tread mill. eliyahu ran on the treadmill. after four hours, both his shins broke, and he fell onto the tread mill. the tread mill ran him through the machine, he became part of the rubber you run on. he was that thin, oh yes. everytime the tread part faced the ceiling he screamed "help!". then a truely fat hoss hopped on the tread mill and crushed him to death. the race of the hoss will forever remain disclosed.

bringing home an american icon.

let's start out. the focus that ted had focused on during college was to his studies. today, tuesday, april 22nd of 2003, ted started his new, and first real world job. graduating college left him in a year long search for a job. you see what prevented him from getting jobs, was not because he wasn't qualified - it was his need...his need to. this was his big bad embarassing and
gross secret. friends recall one of ted's most profound statements. "liver, what do you need a liver for?". ted liked sitting on objects that protrudes slightly into his butt. usually his mom would fit that need, but his mom was not allowed at his future job. so what could he do - but use his brillance and design a contraption that would fit on his chair at work and could be removed so people wouldn't think that ted was some sick freak. he took a pizza box and tore off the top cover. he took the glue
that binds us all together, for huffing, for glueing, for putting wounds together, for attempting to glue yellow construction paper together, to glue coins on to tile. the glue that binds us all together. once a white piece of paper was colored yellow with a yellow high lighter. ted thought that yellow, which resembles stale honey would help stick better, but no. he was a jackass. color has nothing to do with helping glue that seeps through paper stick together better. this glue was not elmers glue. you cannot
get high off of huffing elmers glue. this was epoxy. this contraption, was going to feature a pizza box spray painted gray (to match the office desk) with a rainbow colored slinky (Spray painted grey too) with a tennis ball cut in half (also spray painted gray) fitted at top for comfort. with this in his suitcase, he set off to work, eating warm yogurt. he waved bye to his mom and mumbled..."you smell like bad kiki". sometimes its okay to hurt loved ones. he fixated the device on his chair and sat. this feels good. ted, a jackass forgot that epoxy does not stick onto cardboard that well. so when he sat down, the slinky jerked of
place and he slid out from the chair and hit his head against the chair. he was knocked out cold. there he laid on his cubicle floor. picture someone trying to make a snow angel in the snow, but change the ground enviroment to an office enviroment and keep the same body position. this is what you would see. ted had a big smile on his face while he laid there in a blissful state. ted was gay too, not that it had any relevance to this story.